it's 9 march 2011.
today is the day that josh wittes unintentionally decided to make the biggest impact on this school since i can remember. today, we honor his life, and we remember what he did for us. for all of us.

yesterday. eating lunch at ksu. mr. minich comes up to us and asks us if we heard about a josh wittes. people behind me looked grave. i looked clueless. they explained to me. and i was sorry. but i wasn't empathetic.

last night. facebook. it's everywhere. statuses, events, writings on walls. and i start to feel this huge weight on me that i've never felt before. i decide to attend the prayer meeting my friends are hosting in the morning.

7 am this morning. lassiter cafeteria. it's dark and extremely silent, the bodies in a sea of red to honor josh. i walk with my friend, and pass by people with their eyes shut and their heads bowed, super sincere. i sat down and commenced to pray. i've never prayed so long, so fervently in my life. i never thought i could do it. paige came over and we prayed aloud. cayla came over and reached arms over us and prayed. i don't think i've ever been so moved by something organized by students.

the day is hard. i praise God and pray for josh. i wonder how i can be laughing when he is in the hospital, dying.

evening. i thank those who organized the wear red day and the prayer meeting. i check on tumblr to see posts about josh. he was still fighting.

and then i saw the first post. and i didn't believe my eyes. i got angry, even. i though God would come and cure him, give him a second chance. this was supposed to be some kind of practice. but it dawned, slowly. and my frown hurts, and my cheeks are tear-stained. unlike i thought it would be, these emotions were sudden. unexpected. surprising. overwhelming. he's gone, God.

where did he go before he attempted it, where have you gone now? come back. oh please, just come back. your life means more to us than you could have ever thought.

you should have seen the red today, josh. it was so amazing. you should see all the facebook wall posts and everything, it's so incredible. oh yeah, see here? he remembers how you complimented him about football. your brother, see here? he's crying over you. no, please don't mourn. you've left us here with broken hearts and broken souls, but you, up there, look down upon us as we mend. i see healing, don't you? yeah. it's going to be okay. you'll see. thank you for the memories.

edit: it turns out, he passed away the morning of the tenth. funeral services were held today, the eleventh.