i don't want to grow up, and i don't want other people to grow up. i don't want to scroll down my facebook feed and see people getting engaged, and then married and then have kids...

i want us to stay in this blissfully young and free place forever and ever.

it's a little inhibiting, cause there are so many things waiting for us that accompany aging. marriage and having children are adventures akin to traveling the world. i'm just scared. of what, i can't be certain.

when i decided to come to georgia tech instead of ucla, i was scared my dreams weren't going to come true. however, the people i've met here have made my freshman year completely and absolutely unforgettable. notably, my crazy, amazing, beautiful novice women's crew team and coaches, my grand challenges friends, and my grand challenges big and my crew big.

i love each and every one of these girls with all of my heart. i don't really know where i would be without them. we all come from such different backgrounds, different places in the usa, different ethnicities, different creeds...but we love each other so much that my heart is bursting at the seams. our coaches, maddie and alyssa, work us so hard, but they've become our friends. it pains me dearly to know that we'll never be like this ever again (people study abroad, co-op, move far far away and stop coaching...). on our last night in panama city for our spring break trip, we all signed a paper lantern to light up into the sky, tangled-style. as we were huddled around the lantern, and the sea breeze blew past, and the memories of an amazing week crossed my mind, i started crying, because i was so catastrophically in love with that moment. i will never take these moments for granted. they've been inconceivably beautiful. thank You, Lord, for blessings that only a few can say they've been blessed with. God, how much i love rowing and these girls. 

this is my grand challenges big, patrick. God, how much i love him. he has this aura about him that immediately brings sunshine to every room, every conversation, every life. i'm so glad that he's a part of my life. he's so passionate about grand challenges too, and changing the world. while he's so bubbly all the time, he's really down-to-earth too, because he taught me that it's extremely important to pinpoint what you're passionate about, and then chase after it with everything you have (because it's purposeful to you and only you, and nobody else). he always makes me feel special and important and loved. and...it happens that we're on crew together too. so, so much love to you, my big brother.   

alec and gemma! my crew family! we're novice and varsity "buddies," and by buddies, i mean, like, big/little relationship. just like patrick, alec has adopted me and showered so much love on me that i don't even know what to do. i was elected secretary for the crew team in january, and alec (who was secretary before) has held my hand and guided me through every step of what i need to do; he never fails to make me feel important or loved. i don't think i've ever met anyone so selfless and willing to put aside time to help others like him. in the meantime, we've become really great friends too, and i can also call him a big brother i've never had. i don't know what i've done to deserve such amazing people in my life. so much love to you, big brother. 

thank You, dear Lord, for the incredible people in my life. thank You, thank You. thank You.

My sweater smells precisely of the same laundry detergent that the band moms would wash our bibs and jackets with. Just a whiff and I was in the uniform closet again. The snares were pit-pattering outside again.

I really do miss marching band. I'm really glad that was part of my life.

Oh, Internet. Oh how I love calculus. Like, actually.

I've been on the crew team at Georgia Tech for about five months.

First, I would like to say that it's probably been one of the best decisions I've made and ever will make. I tell you, rowing requires about the same mental and physical discipline as like, kung fu.

I also will tell you that the process has been really quite painful. The rowing machine we exercise on when we're not on the river, aka the ergometer, aka the erg, aka the torture machine, is a bit of a monster. Since we haven't been on the river since it's been too cold and dark, every day I wake up and I look forward to a new, strangely-awesome, strangely-cruel workout on the erg.

Erging, at least for me, gets painful about a minute into it. Pieces are around thirty minutes, and sometimes times two. So, about a minute into it, my brain starts sending distress signals to my body, screaming, "Stop! Stop that! It hurts!"And then for the next twenty-nine, I go into battle mode, of which I wage a war against my body.

There's a threshold of pain I like to call "the line."

This isn't the threshold of pain as in, where it begins to hurt. It's where it begins to hurt like hell . So far, it seems like "the line" is what you need to cross in order to actually get stronger. For about the entire five months I've been rowing, I haven't been able to maintain the pain past "the line," but so far it's been getting better. Only last week was I able to maintain the pain past "the line" for the entire piece.

I vow to maintain the pain past "the line" now for the entire piece. I've made that decision.

On Monday I learned that Anberlin will shortly be breaking up.

When I heard the news my stomach dropped down to the floor. In my mind, for the past few years, I had known that Anberlin's vigor wasn't as strong as it once had been, but hearing my horrible nightmares come into fruition is terrible, terrible news. I mean, it's better than learning that your house has burned down while you were on vacation, but come on.

If I could write a letter to this band, I...don't even know what I'd tell them. They aren't necessarily my favorite band, but akin to Relient k, I owe myself to their music. I became the woman I am today because of them (if I could even call myself a "woman.")

I remember being so introspective as a kid, especially when I was eleven and twelve. I didn't have that many friends, so I had my drawing diary and Harry Potter and Narnia and Star94 on the radio and contemporary Christian music and that's how I viewed the world. I preferred being left alone, but battling internal demons at such a ripe, young age felt so one-sided but necessary. Admittedly, I was pretty mature for my age, so I never dared share my inner thoughts with my peers.

I remember the first Anberlin song I had heard was "Day Late Friend" on Pandora probably when I was twelve. Great jam. But, soon enough, we found Cities, and we spent a good bit of time dissecting Anberlin's simultaneously youthful but tormented lyrics. I felt that my introspection was finally justified; there were others who were as introspective as I, and they were older! boys! cool!

Some of those lyrics gave me a raison d'être. A justification. Christianity was painful. Christianity was heartbreaking and filled with anguish and sparkling tears. Christianity was holding tightly to a belief in new life, in an abstract concept called "grace," in a love so fiery that it transcends emotion. Anberlin, but notably Cities and The Orphaned Anything's, put my questions into words that didn't explain everything, but enough. I was so peaceful knowing that these cool, punk kids yearned to love the Christian God as much as I did.

If Anberlin should know anything, they should know that if they touched even a single life with their ministry, it would be mine. Not only that, but their music will always remind me of my relationship with one of the most important people in my life. Don't know if the feeling is mutual anymore, but there was a time when Anberlin and Relient k fused us together.

In seventh grade, I had an extremely difficult time persuading my parents to let me go to their concert (to the point of tears and heartbreak). When they finally let me go, it was great, but I intentionally made a repeat last November with Amanda during my first semester of college. My first semester of freedom. I will always view the juxtaposition of my college Anberlin concert and my seventh grade Anberlin concert as my gateway to independence, and fresh air, and freedom. I screamed my head off at that concert last November...I was free.  

I'm obviously angry and heartbroken about their breakup, but they had a fantastic little tenure.  

Godspeed.
Je vous remercie de tout cœur. À la prochaine.

I literally thought I'd never say this, but I seriously love math. Well, maybe not statistics, but definitely calculus. I never thought a day would come when I could set aside time, sigh, and say, "Okay, let's do some math," as if it was a reward.

I've come to see math as a very pure discipline. I'm not such a fan of all the numbers and calculations involved in chemistry and physics, but I very much enjoy doing my calculus problems nowadays. It's not a bad position to be in, really.

It's definitely taken a long time for me to love math. In high school, I hated it because I wasn't good at it. But, I wasn't good at it because I didn't practice it. So, like they say, all it takes is a bit of hard work, and before you know it, your hard work is paying off.

It's a little daunting really, finding myself in the middle of an engineering degree program. I surprise myself daily with the crazy stuff we learn everyday at Georgia Tech. Nice little place to go chase your dreams.