everything's been a lightning bolt of memory. songs, pictures. a searing knife pierces my chest whenever i remember that josh is no longer with us because of horrible, earthly, unchangeable reasons.

"stay with me."
your brother, your girlfriend, your family, your friends are screaming for you.

even the most repetitive songs about love. i just want him to have stayed here with us.
i can't imagine what persuaded him to take his own life. to imagine the deep, hellish places his thoughts roamed the moments before he did it...

i've had this personal opinion about suicide before too...how someone who belongs to something so special, like a family, or a lacrosse team, a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship, a friendship...but decide to leave them, drenching them in unimaginable grief and confusion because of your selfish desire to be dead. i just can't understand that. where did you go before you did this to yourself? hell and back is my only hypothesis.

look down upon us and don't deny you regret having done this. you've killed us all.