so i've been dealing a lot lately with being "left out." you know that feeling?
i've been trying to counteract such a horrible, guilty emotion with thoughts of, "don't be jealous, renee, because you're so blessed," etc, but it keeps creeping back on me and i have no idea how to stop it.

but really, my point is, i think of ways to say, "i don't need to go to that party! i don't need to see that movie with those friends!"

"i have homework to do to preoccupy my time because i'm smart and...and..." i begin to shamefully cry. i hate that quality about myself, that i'm a self-pity person. and i think of ways of how my life could be greater than theirs, that i see myself ten years down the road as this successful designer living in nyc and being so confident with myself that i don't need love at all to fill any voids. i'll just read my duct-taped Bible with hooded eyes and get on with my life, and i'll find parties with my cool new yorker friends.

but this is the problem: that's what i want for myself, this whole vision of the future, but i don't act on it. at all. i don't make any moves to step in that direction. i just sit on facebook, sulking, and wonder why i am such a slave to life. i really am tired of being passive. being passive has its downs. and downs have no health. i just gotta stop being passive.