I've been on the crew team at Georgia Tech for about five months.

First, I would like to say that it's probably been one of the best decisions I've made and ever will make. I tell you, rowing requires about the same mental and physical discipline as like, kung fu.

I also will tell you that the process has been really quite painful. The rowing machine we exercise on when we're not on the river, aka the ergometer, aka the erg, aka the torture machine, is a bit of a monster. Since we haven't been on the river since it's been too cold and dark, every day I wake up and I look forward to a new, strangely-awesome, strangely-cruel workout on the erg.

Erging, at least for me, gets painful about a minute into it. Pieces are around thirty minutes, and sometimes times two. So, about a minute into it, my brain starts sending distress signals to my body, screaming, "Stop! Stop that! It hurts!"And then for the next twenty-nine, I go into battle mode, of which I wage a war against my body.

There's a threshold of pain I like to call "the line."

This isn't the threshold of pain as in, where it begins to hurt. It's where it begins to hurt like hell . So far, it seems like "the line" is what you need to cross in order to actually get stronger. For about the entire five months I've been rowing, I haven't been able to maintain the pain past "the line," but so far it's been getting better. Only last week was I able to maintain the pain past "the line" for the entire piece.

I vow to maintain the pain past "the line" now for the entire piece. I've made that decision.

On Monday I learned that Anberlin will shortly be breaking up.

When I heard the news my stomach dropped down to the floor. In my mind, for the past few years, I had known that Anberlin's vigor wasn't as strong as it once had been, but hearing my horrible nightmares come into fruition is terrible, terrible news. I mean, it's better than learning that your house has burned down while you were on vacation, but come on.

If I could write a letter to this band, I...don't even know what I'd tell them. They aren't necessarily my favorite band, but akin to Relient k, I owe myself to their music. I became the woman I am today because of them (if I could even call myself a "woman.")

I remember being so introspective as a kid, especially when I was eleven and twelve. I didn't have that many friends, so I had my drawing diary and Harry Potter and Narnia and Star94 on the radio and contemporary Christian music and that's how I viewed the world. I preferred being left alone, but battling internal demons at such a ripe, young age felt so one-sided but necessary. Admittedly, I was pretty mature for my age, so I never dared share my inner thoughts with my peers.

I remember the first Anberlin song I had heard was "Day Late Friend" on Pandora probably when I was twelve. Great jam. But, soon enough, we found Cities, and we spent a good bit of time dissecting Anberlin's simultaneously youthful but tormented lyrics. I felt that my introspection was finally justified; there were others who were as introspective as I, and they were older! boys! cool!

Some of those lyrics gave me a raison d'être. A justification. Christianity was painful. Christianity was heartbreaking and filled with anguish and sparkling tears. Christianity was holding tightly to a belief in new life, in an abstract concept called "grace," in a love so fiery that it transcends emotion. Anberlin, but notably Cities and The Orphaned Anything's, put my questions into words that didn't explain everything, but enough. I was so peaceful knowing that these cool, punk kids yearned to love the Christian God as much as I did.

If Anberlin should know anything, they should know that if they touched even a single life with their ministry, it would be mine. Not only that, but their music will always remind me of my relationship with one of the most important people in my life. Don't know if the feeling is mutual anymore, but there was a time when Anberlin and Relient k fused us together.

In seventh grade, I had an extremely difficult time persuading my parents to let me go to their concert (to the point of tears and heartbreak). When they finally let me go, it was great, but I intentionally made a repeat last November with Amanda during my first semester of college. My first semester of freedom. I will always view the juxtaposition of my college Anberlin concert and my seventh grade Anberlin concert as my gateway to independence, and fresh air, and freedom. I screamed my head off at that concert last November...I was free.  

I'm obviously angry and heartbroken about their breakup, but they had a fantastic little tenure.  

Godspeed.
Je vous remercie de tout cœur. À la prochaine.

I literally thought I'd never say this, but I seriously love math. Well, maybe not statistics, but definitely calculus. I never thought a day would come when I could set aside time, sigh, and say, "Okay, let's do some math," as if it was a reward.

I've come to see math as a very pure discipline. I'm not such a fan of all the numbers and calculations involved in chemistry and physics, but I very much enjoy doing my calculus problems nowadays. It's not a bad position to be in, really.

It's definitely taken a long time for me to love math. In high school, I hated it because I wasn't good at it. But, I wasn't good at it because I didn't practice it. So, like they say, all it takes is a bit of hard work, and before you know it, your hard work is paying off.

It's a little daunting really, finding myself in the middle of an engineering degree program. I surprise myself daily with the crazy stuff we learn everyday at Georgia Tech. Nice little place to go chase your dreams.

welcome to freshman year at georgia tech!

i just now realized how different my life is now compared to how i imagined it back in high school, especially at the end of sophomore year. first of all, i look so different! my hair was so long, and i had bangs, and i really anticipated going to a liberal arts college to study history or something. nowadays, i have virtually no hair at all! haha. and now i'm at georgia tech about to major in chemical engineering or materials science, and i'm part of the rowing club there. still love the flute though, so that's not changing. but even i didn't expect my interests to change so dramatically.

you see this picture of me in my room back at home because it's fall break. studying studying studying. studying and crew. that's my life nowadays.

hello!

and even newer hair! this was how it was "supposed" to be after the waist-length hair.

just got back from hong kong and japan. i really do miss that culture. whenever i come back home my heart feels like i belong there, and not in america. one day.

...new hair!

//FAMILY OF THE YEAR "HERO"// I think I've been searching for the ambiance of this song for all my life. The melody just fills me up.

Well, so much for blogging everyday! Just overwhelmed the past two weeks with some crazy crap, like finals and AP exams and grad parties and band and newspaper and blahhhhhhhhhh. I've finally been realizing how much so many of my high school friends mean to me, and how much I'm going to miss a lot of them. I've tried to stay un-emotional, but, you know, it's inevitable. But, in the mean time, I am so ready to leave and experience new things and new people. It's a weird feeling.


...Christianity is so hard. The entire world needs you to serve it, and cares nothing about your relationship with the Lord and what you need to do for the Lord. I hate it sometimes! I want to give up! I think this is when you realize that you're experiencing Christ's promises, even the ones of which He promised the world would hate you. And they would compare you to the standard of perfection of which Jesus was, but of which humans can never hope to achieve. Endure, good people, endure.

By the way, pro tip: please never judge anyone's spirituality based on their behavior. It's hard, it can seriously suck, but as a servant of Christ, leave the judgment to Christ. Your faith in Christ Jesus justifies you, as said in Romans, and not your behavior. If you hurt someone, make sure you're apologizing and learning from your mistakes. If you rebuke, do so in kindness, and not in anger...

"So when the devil throws your sins in your face and tells you that you deserve death and hell, tell him this: I admit that I deserve death and hell, but what of it? For I know One who suffered and made satisfaction on my behalf. His name is Jesus Christ, Son of God, and where He is, there I will be also!"