Quality Friday night; I knew I had a lot of things to do, but what I thought would be chores ended up becoming one heckuva good night. So, right after school, I practiced our pieces with the flute choir before heading home to change and then skip on over to church for the benefit concert.

Tonight was the Breaking the Shackles benefit concert, of which was completely student-run and student-led, gathering funds to donate to International Justice Mission, Youth Spark, and Wellspring Living to finally bring an end to modern day slavery once and for all. The concert was a ton of fun too; the very famous Ryan Steffes and some of his friends did pre-show music, but I only stuck around to hear Brett Younker and his band play before I had to leave. Nevertheless, it was awesome worship. Jumpin', laughin', screamin'.

Then, I had to leave early for the Tri-M recital. I changed again into a striped dress Paige loaned me so that all of us in the flute choir matched stripy dresses. Pretty cool. We're the best little sisterhood. While I was there, I came to realize how much amazing talent we have at our school; the people who played were pure geniuses, and not only that, but we as students put together our performances all by ourselves. Soloists, choirs, ensembles...the concert hall was beautiful. Everything a professional recital could ask for, really.

One of the most remarkable soloists of the night was my friend Harry. I had completely forgotten that he began playing piano maybe only two years ago... So he steps up, sits down, and plays a hauntingly sweet song that was not only beautiful, but fully expressive, completely expressive, as if he had endured some monumental pain and could only tell us in a way of which he desired to spare us. I was in tears by the end of it. I'm not sure if he felt that way, or saw his work in that way, cause I'm sure he left feeling very critical of himself, but it moved me. So many great performances tonight.

Then we got our Tri-M cords (pink!) as seniors, and got applauded and congratulated and all that.

Then we went out after the recital for dinner. Lots of fun. I will certainly miss these people.

movie still from "before sunrise," possibly one of my favorite movies. // music by phoenix "entertainment". their new album is awesome!! go listen to it on spotify right now!!

nice day at school today. preparing for ap exams and all that, even though i just can't seem to get motivated to study physics while i'm at home. it's such a drag, and it sucks. i'm glad i still get to see all my friends for this last month. it's too soon that we're gonna part ways.

today, i got to see my friend kameron while i stayed after school to work on the senior issue of the newpaper. he and i met in september, when i started to stay late for the newspaper, and he would come around the rooms and eat dinner before he went to go clean the school. we started talking, and he's given me the best advice on college, life, relationships, the Faith, and beyond. he's an aspiring artist, and he married his childhood sweetheart, and today was his last day before he moves on to his new job. it's possibly the last day i get to see him, but i hope not.

i will surely pray for him, and all my friends as we move on to college and life. one of my biggest fears is to see my friends at georgia tech and everywhere else, who are hardworking and steadfast and motivated, get pulled into the wrong direction while at college, and i won't be able to do a thing about it. what can you do but pray? pray so so so so hard?

"Come, Lord Jesus."

this morning, i wrote a short letter to mr. watkins, who is retiring after 31 years as lassiter's band director. he put our school on the map in 1998, and the rest is history. not only that, but for these four years, he gave me a confidence i wouldn't have otherwise had without the marching band program. one day, i wasn't feeling all too great, and apparently it showed on my face. even though we had rehearsal, he pulled me aside into his office and we talked for about an hour. i really felt special to him. true leaders do that. as arrogant as we all know he can get sometimes, he does know what he's doing. i will miss him.

CHACLACAYO, PERU. PHOTO BY AUSTIN SMITH. AN INCREDIBLE MISSION TRIP TO SERVE AN INCREDIBLE GOD.

//ACTIVE CHILD: EVENING CEREMONY//
I SERIOUSLY LOVE THIS GUY AND WHAT HE DOES WITH MUSIC. SO BEAUTIFUL.


greetings internet! i didn't post yesterday because i was busy all evening! which is a very good thing, i suppose. last night was the symphony concert, where we played music from "les mis", "chicago", "rocky" and "e.t." and i had a piccolo solo! all in all, a really good concert, actually. before, we went out to eat, and when i was in the backseat of the car, i poked my head out the window and was just kind of was amazed as we drove to zaxby's.

i dunno why, but i think that only maybe two years ago, we were sixteen year olds with no freedom, and now, we're adults driving cars and going out by ourselves. we're growing beards. we're going to college. pretty soon, you'll see the people on facebook getting engaged and life continues on. it's impossible to stop. i just wish we could be forever young, while still experiencing all that life has to offer. haha, i suppose doesn't everyone wish that?

T H I S B A N D. S O S O S O SO R A D. // 
their debut album comes out may 20th. oh my freaking gosh, i cannot wait. they just need to keep pumping out music nonstop just for me.

in celebration of the last month of my high school career, i'll be posting everyday! 

the month of may is always jam packed, and i just might emerge insane. i hope sharing rad music with people who stumble upon my blog everyday will help me stay intact by the end of it all.

reminiscing upon these last four years actually makes me want to cry from joy. man, what an amazing four years of so much loss and so much gain. you come into high school thinking you know so much, and that you're so wise beyond your years. when you come out, you realize you were none of those things, and you're back to becoming another chunk of fresh meat next year, wide-eyed and hungry for more. 

i am so unbelievably stoked to be attending georgia tech next fall. after i was accepted into ucla, which functioned as my dreams-and-nightmares school for half a year, i was so upset when i learned my family wouldn't be able to afford it. it's funny, because everyone tells you that you'll realize why the Lord has different plans for you in a couple of years, but i think i finally realize now. can you believe that you and i are part of that one huge story of God and His people working on the earth? wow.

I am overwhelmed by my God's mercies. Somehow, even after all the times I've told Him and the devil to both just leave me alone, He always reveals His beauty to me again and again. He refuses to give up on me. That is overwhelming.

"He must become greater;
      I must become less."


 A couple of months ago, I seriously wrestled with the concept of a God; I had been exposed to a lot of skepticism and arguments against the existence of a benevolent Creator that has our futures mapped out before we were even conceived of. I had had enough with the corruption of the Church, past and present, and became disillusioned by allegations of sex abuse scandals, murder, genocide, ignorance, all the chaos that seemed to be linked back to the Christian God, the same God that I dedicated my life to and had sworn my allegiance to. So, I found myself in a situation where I was to choose atheism or Christianity, because to me, other religions have it just as bad as the cult of Jesus Christ. I lingered over it, brooded over it, because I didn't want to make the decision immediately; denouncing Christianity scared me actually, because to not believe in a God meant to believe my purpose in life doesn't exist, and that my significance will ultimately rot in the ground under a mound of daisies just like everyone who has ever come before and ever will come after me. If I were to choose Christianity, I told myself I would belong to a throng of people that blindly believe in the unseen, who murder, abuse, and hurt people in the name of God. So I found myself in limbo for a couple of days, unwilling to believe in either school of thought, unwilling to "subject" myself to a set rule of beliefs. I completely disregarded why I had ever decided to trust in the Christian God in the first place and that I had been in the position in the past, skeptical of the existence of God.

Then I read my Twitter. And I read the same blogs I've read since the eighth grade. And I scrolled down Facebook. And I went to church, unwillingly and reluctantly, but with disbelief that church could change me. And I talked to my friends. I had surrounded myself with the people and the teachings of Jesus Christ for years, and inadvertently, I found myself surrounded on all sides by something extremely beautiful. It was joy.
  

I'VE LEARNED A LOT THIS WEEK.
GOD PROVIDES! HIS BEAUTY IS SO POWERFUL.




TODAY: IT'S SO EASY TO FORGET WHO YOU'RE REALLY LIVING FOR.
Do you see my face? Do you see how there’s a red spot, smack dab in the middle of my two imperfect eyebrows? I scratched at a pimple today, and it bled, and it turned into that red spot smack dab in the middle of my two imperfect eyebrows today. Do you see how my eyes are so dark that they seem bottomless, and they don’t carry the same Eden-like purity of blue or green irises? For the longest time, I interpreted the darkness of my eyes as ugliness.

 I looked into a mirror today and tears began welling up at the corners, and then they traced translucent trailways down my face, and I looked up at my dark eyes and saw how redness began to envelop the white.

These four years of high school have really matured me. As funny as it sounds, as a freshman and sophomore, I couldn't get over how no boy liked me at school. I now realize that it really doesn't matter, and that things will fall into place in God's time. I learned self-discipline from my teachers, and how to laugh and cry and how to say I'm sorry from my friends.  Unfortunately, second semester senior year, I’ve been wrestling with thoughts that had never plagued me so much before. I have to silence the voice in my head saying, “Shut up, Renee. Worthless. Don’t talk. Worthless. You’re worthless.”

For a couple of days this week, I was angry and so frustrated and sad. I see my friends for the umpteenth time on Facebook, so happy without me, but I shoved the immediate feeling of pain within me, and tried to be happy, tried to understand, tried to realize that things change. And then I crawled into bed at midnight and cried, wondered, what am I doing wrong? The voices in my head, screaming, "SEE RENEE YOU ARE SO, SO WORTHLESS."

I don’t know if I’m actually doing anything wrong, but I know I’ve become a bit of a recluse these past few months. Could I really attribute it all to my reticence? I have noticed that I rarely speak up, that I’m not as funny as I once was, that when I do speak I have the tendency to stutter. Ideas don’t form in my mind as soon I open my mouth.

And for this week, it was really pretty hard silencing that voice in my head. I just want to be “cool.” And “cultured.” And “fun.” And a “teenager”, which I feel like I missed out on the whole experience, while my friends party on without me. This feeling could only be temporary, and my God, in the midst of my impurity, I cower at the thought of being in your immaculance.

 So when I looked in the mirror at my red, dark eyes, I pushed my brows together and stared with an intensity at my reflection to make sure Renee got the message: “You are worth it. Don’t believe the lie in your head telling you that you are worthless. People really do care about you."

REJOICE IN THE LORD! HE TAKES ALL OF YOUR TEARS AND CONFUSION, AND HE TAKES IT FOR HIS OWN! REJOICE, IT'S ALL SO AMAZING!