STATUS OPERATION PAINTING LITTLE SISTER'S ROOM: BLOGGING/BORED BREAK.
i haven't blogged in forever! i've been on tumblr, since all of my friends have "switched," as you say, and i just really cannot forget this artsy, fartsy space on the internet, aka my blogspot. it's been with me since, like, sixth grade!

i'm not really sure what to say, because i'm not sure who actually reads this and who doesn't (comments would be greatly appreciated, so i could get a general idea ;D) but i guess i'll just catch up on my own life, since it's summer, ie. slow-down time.

i set two goals for myself this summer:
1) perfect nocturne et allegro scherzando (up to tempo and everything, so much flute playing D:)
2) get healthier.

i don't think i'm always that vague, but...so far, it's been going slowly. summer is pretty slow, don't you think? so i have been doing some other things, like learning piano and rereading some harry potter, listening to cool new music, and painting my toenails. oh yeah, and painting my sister's room. because i promised my mom i would help my sister, because she's working, and my sister is morally opposed to labor. as am i, but i put on weird indie music that rachel probably doesn't understand. HAHA.

i've been praying more lately, too. there are nights i just cry myself to sleep because all i freaking want are answers from God. what did You put me here for. if being gay is a sin, why did You create homosexuals. why do some Christians believe other things than i do and believe they're as correct as i think are my beliefs. or any doctrine, for that matter.

who knows.

i just don't like the thought that my only option is to ask humans these questions. if i believe in anything, i believe humans are incomplete. no matter how religious or spiritual you are, the search for self-identity is lifelong.

i've been humming sufjan's "for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti" for a while now. there's a line that gets me everytime:

"I'll do anything for you."
thanks, God, for never being too far away.

I am Jack's smirking revenge.

"Everything you said was a lie!" I screamed at him, moisture falling thick and fast past my eyes, down my face, soaking my shirt, melting my consciousness…

He smirked, and placed a single fist onto his right jaw, pretending to sock it. He made clever facial expressions, hoping to exasperate me, coming off as exhausted, pained, confused. No matter what I did, he still belonged to me. He was still a part of me.

"You can't escape me!" Jaimy yelled in my direction as I turned my back to run. "Stop trying!"

My pathetic lungs began to sear. I couldn't look back. I swore I wouldn't-

"Nice try."

I screamed. I blinked, and he was right there in front of me. The muscles in my face burned, ached-

"You can't get rid of me," he said again, and he dug into his pocket for a lighter to ignite the cigarette already perched between his pouting lips. "Remember when I shouted at your dad? Remember that time when you and I snuck out of your house at two in the morning? "

The blood drained from my face. I could feel it rushing into my toes.

He chuckled lightly, blowing out a veil of blue smoke from his cigarette. The fumes attacked my eyes, forcing tears to collect. Power built up from deep within my chest, and it came rushing out as a moist sob. "Jaimy…" I almost begged, backing up as each of my heavy footsteps traced dread. "Jaimy, please don't do this."

"But I must, Renee."

"You can't!" I finally screamed, pressing a palm to each of my ears. I clamped my teeth together and pressed my eyelids together as tightly as I could. Maybe I could just block him out…

BANG!

My eyes shot open. Was I dead?

"Open your eyes!" he yelled, the sly grin finally disappearing from his mouth. "What do you see? Huh? Tell me!"

I was cowering. Shaking. "Jaimy… I see only you."

He smiled. "That's the way it's supposed to be. When I finally kill you," he said, eyeballing his shotgun and cocking it with two hands, smoke between his lips, "only the parts you wanted of yourself…that you never had…will be the only parts that will ever exist."

"N-no-no!" I cried. "You can't! Why are you doing this?"

"You knew it was coming, Renee-"

"Stop!"

"Will you just shut up and stand still-"

"JAIMY!"

The cigarette fell out of his mouth as his mouth formed a wide O in shock, not expecting I would rebel against him. His mouth hung open as silence hung onto the air until he began to laugh. He laughed and laughed, striding towards me with open arms, trying to wrap his arms around me, but I pushed him away.

"It's crazy what a person will do to survive," I managed between gasps for air. Between one breath and his next, my hand wrapped around the shotgun in his left hand, dangling aimlessly, and I yanked it from his grip. The point came to a nice resting position between his eyes. He only had a second to make a pinched face before the bullet blasted a hole through his brain.

He was dead.

I was alive. I watched my alter-ego collapse before my heaving body.

I was Jaimy Volkov: straight-A student, piano prodigy, and a weaver of words, enough to make the opposite sex cry.

He was me: lazy, susceptible to emotions and an occasional bout of cowardice.

With his last gasp for air, I witnessed what life would have been like with a better me, die. It felt pretty good.

dutch braid-ish!
did it mahself! a little messy, but it turned out okay. kinda. :)

YOU ARE SAFE HERE
if you aren't familiar with stephen, he is the lead singer of the rock band anberlin. he's done a few side projects, including an acoustic act called anchor and braille, and he's written a book called the orphaned anything's. in many aspects, he shaped the woman i wanted to become in middle school, and essentially, the person i am today.

but he recently came out with a new "lit." project, if you will, which is basically his grandfather's journal translated from german to english. you need to read it. it's summer now, and you have time (ahem, logos). you need to read it.

{ CLICK HERE }