I'VE LEARNED A LOT THIS WEEK.
GOD PROVIDES! HIS BEAUTY IS SO POWERFUL.




TODAY: IT'S SO EASY TO FORGET WHO YOU'RE REALLY LIVING FOR.
Do you see my face? Do you see how there’s a red spot, smack dab in the middle of my two imperfect eyebrows? I scratched at a pimple today, and it bled, and it turned into that red spot smack dab in the middle of my two imperfect eyebrows today. Do you see how my eyes are so dark that they seem bottomless, and they don’t carry the same Eden-like purity of blue or green irises? For the longest time, I interpreted the darkness of my eyes as ugliness.

 I looked into a mirror today and tears began welling up at the corners, and then they traced translucent trailways down my face, and I looked up at my dark eyes and saw how redness began to envelop the white.

These four years of high school have really matured me. As funny as it sounds, as a freshman and sophomore, I couldn't get over how no boy liked me at school. I now realize that it really doesn't matter, and that things will fall into place in God's time. I learned self-discipline from my teachers, and how to laugh and cry and how to say I'm sorry from my friends.  Unfortunately, second semester senior year, I’ve been wrestling with thoughts that had never plagued me so much before. I have to silence the voice in my head saying, “Shut up, Renee. Worthless. Don’t talk. Worthless. You’re worthless.”

For a couple of days this week, I was angry and so frustrated and sad. I see my friends for the umpteenth time on Facebook, so happy without me, but I shoved the immediate feeling of pain within me, and tried to be happy, tried to understand, tried to realize that things change. And then I crawled into bed at midnight and cried, wondered, what am I doing wrong? The voices in my head, screaming, "SEE RENEE YOU ARE SO, SO WORTHLESS."

I don’t know if I’m actually doing anything wrong, but I know I’ve become a bit of a recluse these past few months. Could I really attribute it all to my reticence? I have noticed that I rarely speak up, that I’m not as funny as I once was, that when I do speak I have the tendency to stutter. Ideas don’t form in my mind as soon I open my mouth.

And for this week, it was really pretty hard silencing that voice in my head. I just want to be “cool.” And “cultured.” And “fun.” And a “teenager”, which I feel like I missed out on the whole experience, while my friends party on without me. This feeling could only be temporary, and my God, in the midst of my impurity, I cower at the thought of being in your immaculance.

 So when I looked in the mirror at my red, dark eyes, I pushed my brows together and stared with an intensity at my reflection to make sure Renee got the message: “You are worth it. Don’t believe the lie in your head telling you that you are worthless. People really do care about you."

REJOICE IN THE LORD! HE TAKES ALL OF YOUR TEARS AND CONFUSION, AND HE TAKES IT FOR HIS OWN! REJOICE, IT'S ALL SO AMAZING!