To My Future Self,

i want you to always remember
in fact, hot iron the memory in your eyelids
the hot water and the hot tears and the red eyes
that gushed forth, seemingly neverending
and you prayed
what else could you have done?
but whisper, whisper so hard till every square inch of your body bled
and then you glanced at the mirror
into panicky, bloodshot brown eyes
and then you clenched them and told you: do you remember?
how afraid you were of becoming...you? how much you mortally terrified you?

how much the idea of aging
not in body, but purely soul
sent yourself into shaking fits of horror and sadness?
how quickly the idea of marriage tasted bitter
and how quickly you begged God, the Almighty God of my life,
to prevent the pain from staring you straight in the eyes
so that before you would know it,  you would have turned to stone?

remember to just get in line, though
because the number of those afraid of disillusionment, those afraid of
becoming the embodiment of "uninspired"
(at this age,  what else have we got but our inspiration?)
makes a long line that just runs circles around
the growing mound of our broken and useless hearts.

do you remember being so afraid of corruption that the tears melted your pencillations?
of becoming an enemy of the love and beauty that you swore to protect on the eve of your eighteenth?
you looked at that date, the seventh, like it would gobble you alive.
it seemed so close, so dauntingly, formidably close, so as an insurance policy, you made sure to address your future self. the seconds ticked away. tick tock tick tock.
do you remember?

hello, blog. :)

 

well, it's only a couple days till the first day of school... what a summer, too! my family visited vancouver for a couple days to visit my aunts/uncles/and cousins, i've read a bit, watched a few movies, listened to some awesome music, went to my first braves game, worked, hung out with the raddest people on this earth, and went to band camp. watched the olympics seemingly straight for the past week. i still can't fathom that i'm a senior, about to be 18 years old, and about to leave the nest. still, quite a few cool things will be happening: the band's going to pasadena in the winter for the tournament of roses parade, i'll be editor in chief of the newspaper, the new auditorium at school is opening, i'll be applying for colleges... i always knew that it would happen, but never so fast. :)

During band camp, I was talking to some freshmen in my section about boys because I noticed how easily they fall in love as I did when I was a freshman. Later, it dawned on me that I haven't really liked a boy in nearly a year, and, forgetting everything I have learned and realized in the past year, I began to think, "Am I becoming too old for even things like having a crush on a boy? I'm a flipping geezer," etc. Well, I got over that pretty quick, but nothing is easier than thinking you live for others' expectations. That you don't meet up. Falling behind. 

It's not my concern anymore. Compared to what's really important, the story of the earth, interwoven with my own story and God's plan to not just glorify Himself but even us...man, it's not even close. Not even close. So I've been thinking, how do mundane, day-to-day activities fit into glorify God? Isn't that going on mission trips 24/7 or summat?

No. Glorifying God 24/7 is serving and loving others, loving and trusting Him 24/7. Your story and my story fit into the Ultimate Story as easily as the founders of the church's. Paul's, John's, Peter's... Isn't that insane? So, for example, how does marching band, a completely non-religious  activity, fall into glorifying God? Pursuing your best and serving others.

"He has told you, O man, what is good, and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:8

This is manifested in a million and one ways. 

Also: some tweets on Twitter that I've read: "Keep in mind that you will always be in the right place at the right time. #Hehasagreaterplan" Well, no. Because you find yourself in the right place/right time, making right decisions when you trust His plan and choose that over yourself. He has given you free will. Your free will is real. Bad things happen sometimes because there was a priority over the perfect purpose of the Living God. Sometimes you choose Him and bad things happen still, but that is not because He's playing games or destines your future to melt into primordial soup. God is orchestrating many things, but He doesn't orchestrate your choices. Pretty great, huh?

 

I LOVE THE OLYMPICS!

this is true life: i don't watch sports all that often, but when nbc offers 24/7 coverage of the olympics, i watch sports.